Funny Courtroom and Lawyer Jokes
Here are some funny jokes to lessen your daily frown.
(These are compiled from courtroom records and lawyers.)
*** Are you sure he is dead?
Lawyer: ”Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
Witness: ”No.”
Lawyer: ”Did you check for blood pressure?”
Witness: ”No.”
Lawyer: ”Did you check for breathing?”
Witness: ”No.”
Lawyer: ”So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
Witness: ”No.”
Lawyer: ”How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
Witness: ”Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
Lawyer: ”But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
Witness: ”Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”
*** Compliments
Lawyer: ”Now sir, I’m sure you are an intelligent and honest man–”
Witness: ”Thank you. If I weren’t under oath, I’d return the compliment.”
*** Heaven, Lawyers and Hell
An attorney died and found himself in heaven, but he was unhappy with his accommodations. He filed a complaint to St. Peter who told him that the only recourse was to appeal his assignment. He immediately advised that he intended to appeal but was told there is a three year waiting period.
The attorney protested but he was ignored. The lawyer was then approached by the devil who told him he would be able to arrange an appeal which could be heard in a few days if the attorney was willing to change the venue to hell.
When the attorney asked the Devil why appeals could be heard much sooner in hell, the devil replied, “We have all of the judges.”
*** Bad math
Lawyer: ”How old is your son, the one living with you?”
Witness: ”Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.”
Lawyer: ”How long has he lived with you?”
Witness: ”Forty-five years.”
*** Wrong answer
Lawyer: ”What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?”
Witness: ”He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’”
Lawyer: ”And why did that upset you?”
Witness: ”My name is Susan.”
*** Be careful what you ask Grandma
In a trial in the heart of the South, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly woman he had known since childhood, to the stand.
He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Whitaker, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Coolidge. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit lawyer. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Whitaker, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Of course, I do. I’ve known Mr. Johnson since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney turned red with embarrassment.
The judge upon hearing the questions and answers thus far asked both counselors to approach the bench. In a very quiet voice he said, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, I’ll throw you in jail for contempt.”
I hope you enjoyed reading the funny jokes. Thanks for reading this coffee break tidbit on work 
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